What the fuck did I do?

She doesn't deserve what I have become and yet...

She is a good woman, a good mother, a good wife. The part of me that plays away (both mental and physical) abuses her with its selfish games and yet...

She said a beautiful thing the other day to our daughter. She said that when I'm in the room she feels better about herself. If she knew what I have become, what I do, it would shatter her into a million pieces. She doesn't deserve that, not even for the lapses she made in the last millenium.

We had sex (we didn't make love) on Saturday night.  We both wanted it, but it wasn't great.  Must be at least the second, maybe the third, time this year.  It was functional. Orgasms achieved but little passion spent.

Just one week prior I got very naughtily naked with a beautiful, tall, Amazonian air hostess. I was five miles high! I got hard just talking to her. I came as I tongued her to orgasm and listened to her moans of ecstasy, her cries of release.  I came again as she sat astride me, looking me in the eye and smiling with the control she had over me.  I want to see her again.

I can't stop this. I love sex. I love women. I love my wife. Are these things mutually exclusive? Am I deceiving myself as well as her? Or is this who I am: a good man on the outside, but a philanderer nonetheless?

For those of you in the know, my profile pic up there is Dominic West, or more specifically McNulty of The Wire (he of "What the fuck did I do?").  For those of you who have not seen The Wire, shame on you.  The Wire is without a doubt the greatest piece of TV writing, possibly ever.  It is Shakespearean in its truth, Dickensian in its scale,  Proustian in its detail, a Cystine Chapel, a Mona Lisa, a Handel's Messiah, a Dark Side of The Moon. It will be watched and studied for years to come. Quite simply no TV programme has ever had so many characters speaking so many words in so many story arcs and still made perfect sense. It is a thing of beauty, a wonder to behold, utterly peerless. And last night I watched the final episode of the final season and like a great book I want to go back and watch all five seasons all over again to bathe in its deep waters once more.

It's not easy TV. It's not for the casual viewer: in fact David Simon the writer famously said, "fuck the casual viewer". You have to work at it. You have to invest time in it. And if you do, you will be rewarded beyond anything you have ever given yourself over to on TV. The Wire is the apotheosis of TV, the perfect opposite of the reality junk and 24 hour news that spews forth on a daily basis from the box in the corner of the living room.

If you are a fan then go try this quiz: http://www.guardian.co.uk/media/organgrinder/quiz/2009/jul/07/the-wire-quiz.  If you have not sampled its delights then buy, rent or steal Season 1 and wait for the scene when D explains chess to Bodie and Poot. If that doesn't hook you  in, then you have no soul my friend, no soul.

McNulty, Bunk, Omar, Bubs, Det. Freamon, Mayor Carcetti, Ziggy, Herc and Carver, Daniels, Gus, Pearlman, Avon and Stringer, D, Michael...we may never see your  like again. Fuck, yes. I will.

Season One, episode one here I come again...

I know, I should be working, but I got bored!

Is it me, or does Monica Bellucci just get more beautiful as she gets older?

And Sin City, that's where I live!